Journal entry

I’ve been thinking a lot about time and the passage of it. I can’t believe 2010 was 8 years ago. That so much has happened and changed, and that I can sometimes still feel stuck. Even with all that’s different about me and mine today, I feel unmoved and perhaps like my old self in a new body. I feel tinges of regret and guilt about choices I made and ones I had absolutely no say in. Feelings that would not have occurred to me even two years ago, when things were different but not so vastly as five years ago.

I wonder what things could have been different if someone had stayed, or paid a bit more money. If someone else was still alive or came around more. And I marvel at all the ways life has unfurled itself. To me, to my mom, my siblings. Sometimes I’m jealous. Of how other people get to move through existence. Mostly out of insecurity and a seemingly perpetual desire to get out. Get up. To make something of the seconds, minutes, days, that is more than what came out of the ones lost to me. And mine.

Time. Seems like there’s been so much of it when I look in the mirror. Like my skin used to be darker—so August feels like years ago. And I’ve slept in so many different beds: makeshift planks and metal, in a basement, across from an abuser, and where my nemesis used to lay her head. So the last few years seem like they never stopped happening.

And then I look out at the world where it suddenly feels like there’s never enough time. To earn another dollar, or catch yourself before you make a life-altering decision. So tomorrow seems distant and gone all at once.

In between the lapses of time, there’s me—stuck. Somehow. Between what I thought should never have happened because we were all headed in a different direction, and the reality that that particular direction would lead us to endlessness. Places where our time would always be in someone else’s hands to contort and abuse as they see fit. Stuck between palms, shrines, politics, confines, and parcels of identity.

I can’t believe I’m here. Today. The woman that I am with so much shit padding my shoulders. Yesterdays and 5 years agos telling me to forgive certain people, and reminding me of things seeming lost to me, now.

Tomorrows flirting with ten years from now, neither promising anything.

And today, just waiting around for me.

Published by Sunshine

Sunny Scape is a safe space for Black women and queer folks. I am committed to eradicating intersecting systems of oppression that overwhelmingly affect people like myself, and doing so in a way that centers the most marginalized of us. That means that I am an activist on behalf of Black and brown queer and trans folks, children, sex workers, disabled folks, people of low socioeconomic status, currently and formerly imprisoned people, and countless others who are pushed to the back burners and relegated to second-class citizenship. This blog and everything within it is absolutely inseparable from the liberation efforts of all the aforementioned groups of people.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: