Power Rising 2019

I’m leaving IAD
Headed to where the Black Women convene
A tight fist forming in my stomach
And a sudden realization as the plane ascends
That the ground has always been there
Greens and browns so distinctly natural
I mistook my bare feet for the roots of an oak tree
And watered myself, often and tenderly

My chest heaves and tears prick the corners of my eyes as
I sink into this unfamiliar shade of blue
Bright and ethereal as god herself
When she
Placed it here
And sent me to the place where black women go
To dance, to heal, and be
Our most untethered selves
So I could see what she sees
Catching my grandmother’s eyes in the clouds
And her voice on the faint hiss of wind rushing past me before
The ground soon becomes blurred by clouds
And I’m lost to the heavens
The long home of my ancestors

I’ve craned my neck so many days to send my voice here
Where prayers go and root…
Where I’ll always be.

Octavia St. Laurent

I want you down on your knees
Where servants and dogs belong
Licking at my toes
HUNGRY for a taste of my sweat and grime
Any proof of my earthy heritage
And otherworldly existence
I want you suckling at my tits
And polishing the dark brown of my areolas
My pleasure should be your first concern
Wiping up the wetness from my legs
And caressing the inside of my vulva
i want you ripping at my skin
with your teeth and nails
Shredding me apart
And piecing me back together
With nothing but the faint memory of my being
And a lingering taste for my pussy 
You can call me out my name
Then recognize who I am
And worship me
Wrap your hands around my throat
Until my heart is palpitating in your palm
And the key to its chambers is misshapen and unusable
Learn how my cervix is shaped
And then leave it to me

You can do whatever you like with me

Except disrespect me.

The pussy Poem

Today I took a hand mirror and stood naked in my bedroom
I decided I would pick my pussy apart and find the self respect the worth and the value
Hidden beneath between and betwixt the pink flesh
I took that hand mirror and placed it between my legs
Stuck my fingers between the two fatter lips and felt round.
I touched my clit and wondered why men have such a hard time finding it, then separated the inner vulva—the smaller lining of lips.
Maybe beneath them would be the highly requested list of all the men I’ve ever fucked scrawled on old legal pad paper in sloppy black ink
Drenched in my own cum, sweat, and discharge
I looked and I looked.
Searched and felt and roamed the insides of my pussy
I took it apart, laid the insides atop my bed and stared at them.
Written somewhere on the skin had to be all the rules
All the standards
And of course, the sheet of paper signing my reproductive rights over
To a bunch of old white men who only see pussy in mirrored reflections

(incomplete)

The gift of giving

wilting trees
and houses built on sinkholes
lost traditions, and
blood lines soaking into the earth
eating away at the long-forgotten corpses of our lineage
broken mirrors holding disfigured reflections
of little brown girls
with twisted mouths and charred fingertips
these rest on creaky floor boards
and against old wooden walls
draped in white sheets
books with no spines
pages out of order and words that don’t fit
anything i feel
strewn across a room
that belongs to all whoever wishes it theirs
though my name is etched into the door jam
and my skin hangs from the knob

these are the things my family gave to me.

Nobody loves you when you’re down

These diseases make you unlovable

Nobody loves me when I’m down. And can only see the swarm of darkness closing in on me. My eyes must look so small and bloodshot—fighting to see through bright flashes of light: alarms that never snoozed, constant and jarring.

Nobody recognizes me when I’m breaking. Code, character, promise, or self. My hands must turn into gnarled claws. These that used to build and tickle. Mine that were soft at some point. Now beaten and bloodied, fights that never ceased.

Nobody wants me when I’m dying. And poisoning everything around me. Excuses do not ever mend. Tears in the fabric or rips in the heart. My skin is greening from sickness and internal turmoil. My feet are numbing at the toes and my poor heart is struggling to fill my veins. Sluggish and heavy, aches that never soothed.

Timeless

Journal entry

I’ve been thinking a lot about time and the passage of it. I can’t believe 2010 was 8 years ago. That so much has happened and changed, and that I can sometimes still feel stuck. Even with all that’s different about me and mine today, I feel unmoved and perhaps like my old self in a new body. I feel tinges of regret and guilt about choices I made and ones I had absolutely no say in. Feelings that would not have occurred to me even two years ago, when things were different but not so vastly as five years ago.

Continue reading “Timeless”